Big Mouth

I've just discovered that I can be a real a bitch. There is so much that I hold back and don't say, but when I do, look out. Why do I hold back? Is it cuz I'm too nice, don't like confrontation, am too scared to hurt people? Maybe all or none of these things. Who knows. Sometimes I wish I just never opened my mouth.

Been a while

I'll start with the good news. I love that we are moving back into our house, that Maddison is growing up so well and that my darling husband is trying to help me a bit more.
I am sad that I have to give up breastfeeding and that we have no money and that I dont really want to go back to work but will have to.

I am frustrated that there are some people in the world that just use us and dont even know or care that they do. They just do whatever they want. And we just keep our mouths shut because we are too nice to say anything. I wish I really could just say what I felt to this person. But I reason that what would be the point? They won't listen, to them I have nothing of value to say anyway.

Part of the reason I cant wait to move. Then we dont have to watch this person stuff up their lives and hurt everyone around them. I wish I could just not care...

Stonewalls

I have them up. I dont see the point in talking somehow. Some days I love the mystery but they are lonely times where I wish I could let someone in. But when you do is it worth it? Do they understand? Does it really make you feel better. I am watching a moment with son and mother. Not willing to let go. Feeling like I'm intruding on something. Feeling like I don't really belong. Silently wishing I had that connection with my own family. Knowing I have to let go of any hope of that happening. Getting disappointed at every turn. Goodbye dream. I have to make my own now. Fumble through really hoping to get it right with my daughter.

I feel like I'm fighting for a lost cause, a common dream together we hold but the everyday moments are not there. So my walls are up. I am ok. I'm tired of talking and complaining. I am totally flooded by emotion I can't decipher. Some comfort coming from the word and from music. No effort is coming from who I really to be there.

So tired and drained. Just want something good to happen. Knowing I have to make it happen. Knowing how I feel is irrelevant and a waste of time. I will wait. Trust and stay hopeful so that in God's time I may be blessed. In the meantime vodka is a substitute.

The tough people

Do you know any people who can weather just about anything life throws at them? I am thinking about two. They still smile and laugh even when their world is falling apart.
I love knowing people like that. Its my inspiration to get over myself and keep fighting because one day I'll need to be that tough person. To hold together the people that are falling apart.

These two friends make me smile, they offer wisdom and support even in the midst of their heartache, they are there.

I pray for these people. That what they go through will being them out on top stronger and wiser than ever. That they help those around them who havent learnt how to stand strong. Like me.

Tam we love you. You are a everyday person with an extraordinary heart and huge capacity to love. A vicious bite to defend your beliefs and your family. I admire that you are not afraid to openly protect them.

Brad you make me smile and laugh at stupid things. Your health may be failing but your friendships are getting stronger. You have the heart of a lion, you are tough but so gentle when you need to be. I only pray that you will know God and be strengthened further in Him.

I love that God places certain people in our world to remind us that we are human and cant control some situations but we fight hard and be amazed at how how we come out on top. We get inspired to be better, to be stronger and to be more equipped to help others.

Thank you friends, you inspire me.

My night just made my whole day better

I love that when your having a bad day someone else is having a good day and they take the time to make you feel 100x better.

I love you Marta Preston you are so anointed and beautiful and just plain amazing!

The cloud in my head

I am feeling a little bit tired, a bit confused, a bit unsure, am lacking confidence and feeling useless.

There is no major problem no tip of the ice burg, no last straw just feeling lost.
I don't know where my relationships are at, no idea what's going on with our plans... just living from one day to the next, pay check to pay check. Helping people here and there but life doesn't really have to much meaning at the moment. Have too many questions. No answers. Just wondering where things will go from here. No firm thoughts, ideas, goals or anything.

I'm procrastinating, over thinking things, reading a little too deeply between the lines. I have no idea where I stand in life, in relationships or even as a mother.

I feel dull. Life just looks dull. Things changing around me and I can barely keep up. Decisions that need to be made keep floating around my head but I can't or won't make up my mind. I can't be being asked any questions right now. Because I just have no answers.

God is my answer but right now he is silent. I can only pray he removes the cloud from my head so I can see clearly again. So I can get excited and hold some firm hope. Right now I am clutching at straws to find hope.

there is no specifics...

just fog.

Best friends

Have you ever felt like you have best friends but have never been someone elses? I have always wanted to have that mutual friendship. One person to which you share your entire life with and they share theirs. A person who talks to you first and shares their sorrows, happiness and wisdom. The one person who holds your trust and shares your secrets.

I realised after thinking about this that God wants this for us. I don't need a best friend on earth when I have a God who in heaven promises this and so much more. I may not be anyone's best friend, but I have the best friend I can be 100% certain that will never let me down.

I know I'm not the best friend but I do know that I try to be honest and fair. I wont always get it right but I know that God loves me anyway and accepts me as I am. What more could I want?