today

I'm tired. Of making the first move. Working to keep relationships going. Smoothing things over. Why do I keep fighting for what seems like a lost cause?

I dont think that I will stop fighting. Its what I do. I think I was made for it. But today. I am tired.

Dreams

I spent a long time early this morning thinking. Trying to decide my future... Two options... Did I come to a solution? no. I tried discussing it with my husband... He didnt have an answer, he felt the same way I did. So what do we do?

Today, we were productive. We spent only an hour out, sorting some things out. But it feels like so much has changed all of a sudden. Last night I felt confused and stressed. But today I feel different... I have hope... A term that gets thrown around too much. At the moment its a slight shimmer that I am holding onto because I have nothing else to hold onto.

I need this dream to come true... I think our marriage depends on it. My sanity depends on it. My daughter needs me to be loving, stable and sane. I cant be that without this dream... or without hope.

Everything depends on God to make this happen for us. Against odds. We are so inadequate, we cant live this dream on our own.

I have learnt that God doesnt make situations happen to us, he allows them so he can teach us something and turn bad into good. We make our choices good or bad but God can turn them into good when we turn to him. He will be there when everything falls. He will also be there when life is good. I have to recognise when things are bad that he is working on something in me.

I dont know why this situation happened and I dont know what I have learnt yet but I'm holding open the door into a better place. God please go before and us and prepare a path for us that we may be blessed. Amen

What to write..?

I hate when people ask me how my week was and I honestly can't remember what I did.... I don't know if anyone else has this problem but it seriously annoys me and confuses everyone else.

I'm a mum, who's still breastfeeding so my day is basically the same. I go out for coffee sometimes, or just hang round at home. I spend a stupid amount of time cleaning and then can't be bothered to cook. Unfortunately my husband hasnt learnt the art of cooking.

I could say my life seems pretty breezy but the battles I face arent with looking after my 8mth old. I battle my thoughts. My energy goes into keeping my head in a positively place, not over thinking things and working to be there for the important people in my life.

Somedays I struggle to be excited for the friends who have just bought a house because all I want is our own place. I get angry of stupid things and just want things to be different. Truth is I know I cant change my situation and I know its not going to be like this forever, I just wish I could see a glimpse of the other side.

I know I just have to be strong and hold on but some days are just soo much harder than others

Influence

Sleep...I wish I could have some but my mind is swimming with thoughts. About the people I care about and about myself. I know once I said I wish I didnt feel anything. I take that back. Its a blessing to be able to feel. Feeling and hurt means you care and love.

The theme for this month at church is influence. I realised that it means something to be influential. As a vocalist at church and at home, with friends and family. I was wondering what kind of influence am I being? Good or bad? What are the things that are holding me back from being everything I have been called to be? I know my thoughts, emotions and mentality is an area I struggle with. I need to be aligned with God's word. My headspace needs to be carefully monitored. As its the fastest way for me to lose the plot.

Esther was a gentle influencer, Jesus was bold, not compromising his belief or calling, and Barbabas was the encourager. He raised people up and encouraged them in their calling. These are great people of influence. I want to be able to have these qualities. To be strong, loving and encouraging.

We influence people whether we mean to or not. Is it good or bad? I know I want to be the 3 things I mentioned before. In every area of my life I want to be a good influence. Its a hard road but I really think I can do this. With the help of God, good friends and determination. I will make it. I will not be broken.

Someone said

How do you put up with them...
I dont know how to answer that. Because I dont know how I do. You just go through life, ignoring this and that, mentioning some things and letting most things go. It finally hits home when someone else notices that something is up. That their behaviour is not right. What do you say?

I love him. Words hurt... is this something else I let slide or do I mention it??
I just don't know.

Wow!

A simple gathering of mothers over coffee turned out to be a revelation and a feeling of belonging. Finally. For once I had a great day. I hung out with a friend and Maddison was happy, doing all the things she should be. Then I went out to meet some mothers from church.

They are amazing! We connected so well. I feel like I contributed to the conversation. I felt encouraged and strong! I feel like me again. We talked about everything from family and kids to Tv shows, and everything in between. We are praying for each other for specific things and just supporting. I just feel totally loved and cared for. Thank you God! you know all my needs!

I wonder

How far can we go to express ourselves? How much do we hold back? Should we talk more or less. Should we express or not. I'm rather confused to where this line is. I think we can choose what we say and how we say it. But how far can we go to feel better about ourselves before hurting someone else?

Is it better to not say anything and deal with it quietly? Or tell the whole world and reap the repercussions. Are we really that strong that we can say what we like and not being affected by the people we offend? When I say people I dont mean strangers. I mean the people we love.

I do believe that we have the choice to speak up. To say what we feel. But is the key how we say it? When? Or what? Who decides? The receiver the speaker and the reader?

Should we let it go or confront?

I'm not good at talking. I can explain better when I write but I consider the audience that is reading. So I dont always say what I'm feeling. But words can be misunderstood when written. So I choose to say nothing. Does this make it harder to deal with things... yes. So I guess this is my battle. Right or wrong I don't know but I this is just how it is.