Life's trials

Life's trials are so short compared to how far we've come and how much we've grown. Where would we be without the tests of relationships and circumstances.

We are pressed on every side but not crushed, we are perplexed but not in despair, We are hunted but not abandoned, we get knocked down but not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. 2 Cor 4:8

We can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials for we know that they help us develop endurance. and endurance develops strength of character and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. This hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Rom 5:3

The promises of God are just amazing. I feel like I have been freed from the darkness that had surrounded my life. It takes a heartbreaking scream... or cry that allows you to give your heart back to the creator. To admit that u cant do it alone. That circumstances dont define who you are. That there is hope even when you cant see it. Just to hear him, feel him and know that you know that he hasnt abandoned you.

Many times have a cried in despair but have taken back what I gave to him. I cant take it back this time, it is too big. I need him to take it and use it to teach me. I admit defeat, I will lay down my life for it is worth nothing without him in it.

The turning point, seems so negative but in fact it has taken me back to where I was in the past and I remembered why I was there and how I never want to feel like that again. It hurt so much at the time but without that memory I would never be where I am today.

This never would have happened it I hadnt neglected my best friend and hurt her deeply. But through her pain and mine, I have just renewed something in my world that I have been fighting so hard for. God allows these things to happen to teach us. A bit intense and dramatic maybe but sometimes its necessary for us to sit up and take notice.

I wont regret what happened as God has turned it into good as he promised but I thank you for being so honest and open to let me see how you feel and helping me wake up and start fighting again and seeing what is good in my world. I dont think you fully understand what has happened here tonight. But I hope in time that I can explain. I love you. God loves you.

Where was God?

I found him... He was always there. But yesterday morning I really felt him. He told me not to worry because it didnt matter who turned up that he would be there for my little girl. But Mum did come. It means more than I can say. I stressed for weeks about what if she didnt come. I came to a place to accept that the dream wont happen. I wont have the mother I wanted, she wont be the grandma I had hoped for. I learnt that I'm allowed to grieve for that loss. By letting myself cry will allow me to get over it. Why has it taken so long to realise this. She is still my mum and I love her too much to not have some sort of relationship with her. But I can accept that she wont always be there when I need her. But I will be so grateful when she is there. On my way home from church that morning I couldnt stop smiling. I found the joy and happiness and freedom I have been searching for! I was so happy. I couldnt think a rational thought and it was great!! God just completely froze my head and just for a while it was amazing! I wish I could of kept that feeling a little bit longer.

At church last night was so emotional. I was struggling to hold myself together enough to sing. I could feel his presence and anointing so strong and seeing my whole family, my Grandma as well at church. It was just... beautiful. I cant explain how that felt.

After the service was over... well that was different. I was drained and my heart was aching. There was nothing more I could of done right then. but it wouldnt go away. When I got home I couldnt sleep, neither could Maddison. I couldnt turn my mind off. I woke up this morning, Im calmer but still aching. Funny, over smaller things I might have had a drink last night, but I couldnt. I just couldnt bring myself even for just one. I prayed and read and cried and nothing was helping, I tried to shut it out but It just wouldnt go away. I was just beating myself up.

Now... I dont know how I am. I look at Maddison and I smile. She is my sunshine. Thats all that matters. Dan has barely been here but I think I needed some time alone.

Who knows what will happen, just wait and see. Let God do what he can and just try and bare it. I've missed God. I've missed spending moments with him. The way I connect with him has changed but he hasnt. He's still hugging me and loving me through every mistake I've made. He still loves and forgives me. You cant get any better than that! You couldnt ask for a better friend.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry, we havent been there, I'm sorry ur angry, I'm sorry we can't help. I dont know what to do or say. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing, so I havent gone to see you. I'm angry that I havent. I don't want to talk about me. But I dont know if you want to talk to me abt you. I feel pathetic and useless.

I'm so so sorry...

we change

into what? It is better or worse? When our situation changes the people we hang around change. Sometimes i dont like that. I dont want to lose the friends I have. But how do u get back there. How do u help them. How do u feel needed again. But on the other hand u dont want to go back there because you were a needy friend and people dont like friends like that cuz after a while it gets too hard and they are glad that you are gone.

I just want to feel valued again. To feel like I've imparted something into someone elses world. But for now, I choose to stay away until I have my stuff sorted out. Then I may be use to someone. When Im not thinking of me anymore. When maybe in some small way I can help.

Finally things are looking up

I went to see a counselor yesterday after a mini breakdown recently. The session I had was an assessment of where I was at. But i walked out of there feeling 10 times better. We hadnt sorted anything out, I just realised that I wasnt going crazy. That was a huge relief. I still have to go see my doctor again but I think we can finally start working through things a little more rationally.

I know all my posts lately have been all over the place. But my mind and emotions have been all over the place. Believe it or not I hate where I have been. I hate that I feel this way. I just needed to talk to the right people to help me sort it out. I feel I have no right to behave the way I did. Or that I had the right to feel the way I do, but who's going to tell me it was wrong?

My head is still mush for the time being but it will be worked out. It'll take a while but if I continue with counseling then I'm pretty sure I will get back on the right track. Thanks to the amazing people that see me so differently to how i see myself. Thanks to those who have supported me. I hate relying on other people but without them I would still be losing my head.

Not true

I can't even be true in my blog. Im supposed to be honest and write what I'm feeling here but I still cant...

Been a while

but I think I should say that I'm fine. Had a lovely holiday relaxing and I think Maddison really enjoyed herself. She's growing up so quickly. I just love her so much. I really think she is the light in my world. So yes... I'm fine